How I became part of "His" Story - Part III

Continued from Part I...
Continued from Part II...

Apr 1 2005 Evening Session:

I was excited. I was nervous. I was happy. I was sad. I was ready. I was a wreck. I was grateful. I was sorry. I was new. I was old. I was here. I was not.

Bhagawan was coming for Darshan.

He was moving too slow. Come fast Swami. I want to give you this letter and see you eye on eye for maybe the last time. Will I ever get this chance again.

He was moving too fast. Slow down Swami. Let me relish every aspect of your personality. Your smile. Your frown. Your conscious indifference. Your chuckle. Your mock anger. The way you take the letter. The way you lift up the curls which mischievously descend onto your face. The way you lift the kerchief. The way you keep it back. The way you shower your love, oh the love, the love, the love. Is it really the last day? Can I not be your student any more? Will I be relegated to be seated among the old students, when I return. I love you Swami. I love you Swami. I love you Swami.

Source: http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1986/08/17

Bhagawan's golf cart came in front of the student's block. I was seated erect with my letter held high. I saw Swami see me when he was little ahead but ignore me when he was near me. Hence the letter could not be given. It did not matter, I was not disappointed. I felt this Darshan was amazing. When you enjoy something knowing that this could be the last time you might get it, you get the full value of it. I was satisfied but wait what is happening? Swami is not going inside His room. He is coming on to the dais. All hearts beat faster. Dhak Dhak Dhak...

Bhagawan sits on the sofa and after a while he signals to me to come with my letter. Mission Accomplished! I victoriously walk with my letter to Him ready to thank Him for these wonderful two years and to bid adieu. He takes the letter, nonchalantly drops it on His lap and asks me, "where is your warden?". 

You remember the motivational messages you keep getting on social media - "God will not ask you a question for which he has not given you the answer!". This was an actual example of that. Incidentally, a week prior, I had gone to our beloved warden sir's room (I wonder how many hostelites would have the fortune of sincerely stating these words - often considered an oxymoron - beloved warden). He is on the phone telling someone that as per UGC rules he has to visit some universities for cross training and he tells the person on the other side all the details of which university he is visiting on what dates and so on, with me being the unintended recipient of this information. 

So armed with the answer to His question, I rattle on, on our warden's travel plans as if I were his travel agent. As I am giving this answer, there is this bright bulb glowing in my head, blinking with the words, 'form,form,form'. Form is an interesting Parthi student terminology. When a cricket batsman is able to see the ball in the size of a football, and score runs at will, he/she is said to be in form. When a performer is in the peak of his/her confidence, he/she is said to be in form. When a student gets above-average attention from Swami, it is equivalent to all above examples and more. Form is actually an understatement.

Armed (or should I say 'form'ed) with this new confidence, I told Swami, parents are here. He gave an expression of delight, 'oh they are here. I will speak to you tomorrow. '

With a beaming face, I come back down and sat. Swami after spending some more time with us, proceeds to the interview room. I quickly zip to the devotees block, and locate my father. Tell him that I get to sit in Student's block only for the next two months and after that I will be an old student. Let me be in Parthi for the period when Swami is here and once he is off to Kodai, I will start looking for a job and almost as an after-thought - Be ready tomorrow. Swami might call for you. Post Arathi, I called the HR person and apologised for not being able to attend the interview.

Next day, I was holding a letter again informing Swami that parents are here and He should bless them with an interview. It felt preposterous to even ask (what have I done to deserve anything) but this might be the only chance I have to repay them for all that they have done for me. I shyly held the letter to Swami. Swami looked at me during the Darshan rounds and said "put your letter inside a cover" with a smile and proceeded straight to His room. I remember writing on my diary that night. "Swami your sense of humour is horrible. You said you will talk to me and you kept your promise just technically." My parents left that evening for Chennai and I unexpectedly reentered hostel which I had bid adieu just 2 days back.

It had been a week since then. I was thoroughly enjoying this experience of staying in Prasanthi Nilayam with the sole purpose of Darshan of Bhagawan. On the 10th of April, I was sitting on the second line with a letter in hand (most of these letters were blank. Just an excuse for Him to give attention). Swami saw me and stretched His hand towards my letter but by the time in my supreme laziness, I could stretch my letter to Him, the car moved forward. I felt miserable for not being able to keep pace with Him. However, an incredible thing happened. Swami tapped on the shoulder of the blessed soul driving his cart and told him to reverse it. Once again the quality of silence changed in the hall. There was a collective gasp and craning of necks to see what is happening. Swami stretched again and took my letter. In an instant, from a boring book worm, I became an object of interest to many. I learnt later that this event was the reason, my unqualified card (not a singer, not in vedam, not a top rated speaker, not a research scholar, not an over achiever in any field) was taken under 'special' category to Swami for Kodai selection.

God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called. 

Unexpectedly, I was told that Swami has included my name to accompany Him to Kodai. The warden of the Brindavan Campus talked to us one evening and told us that anything is available from the Kodai session if properly utilised. Even Self Realisation. A quote of Ramakrishna Paramahansa crossed my mind at that time, the mother confers boon on her devotees without hesitation. She even confers self realisation without a second thought. But 'Love for Her' - she guards that very closely and provides only to a select few. That I thought should be my aspiration. Little did I realise that this prayer of mine was going to lead to some severe tests. 

With the name of the students ready, the date was still a mystery. There would always be a mystery around everything in Parthi. Everyone said that we have to wait for one Mr. C who would give us all the details. Finally that day came and we were all seated in Bhajan hall. A chair was kept for Swami and we were all waiting for Him. He walked in that day through the door. 'That is all that happened' - outside. What happened inside was as simple as that - 'My faith in Him walked outside my heart'. 

Daaaaah....dish!!! Life Twist...

Suddenly I saw a human being walk inside. 'This is not a God. He is just a man. Where did I get caught?' - these were the thoughts in my head.

It was not something He said. It was not something He did. It was not something that was said about Him. It was not something said about someone who had said something about some other person's guru having said about Him. All that happened was that He walked into the hall that day. Intellectually, I could understand that it is His doing. But, I could not even surmise the reason why He would do something like that and I had absolutely no guts to ask Him directly for the reason. I just kept the smile intact, looking good to everyone. Another exciting day before Kodai. No one knew what was going through inside me. I was devastated. I did not have a God. Swami, as if nothing happened, just looked at me and asked "What is your name?". I too, as if nothing happened, replied "Harish, Swami". At that moment it actually seemed inauthentic to say 'Swami'. That is how badly I was affected. 

The next day, Swami called all the boys to the interview room - yes, interview room. Another 'tick-mark' in a Sai student aspiration. Swami told us with lots of love to pack winter clothing and cold cream for the trip. It was all goody goody on the outside. Inside - the earth quake is going on in full swing. I have had a blessed childhood with love from one and all. I had never felt any emptiness in me. 

During my 2 years in Prasanthi Nilayam, slowly and surely he had pushed away most 'connections' from the sofa of my heart and was sitting pretty Royally in the centre as the top priority. When He walked out (apparently), I realised I have nothing to fill that space with. It was a vacuum which was destroying my being.

In this state of mind, we boarded the flight on 19th April 2005. Flight with the Lord. I was seated on a aisle seat some where in the middle of the plane. We saw Swami entering from the front and taking His seat. Unexpectedly, immediately after take off, He got up and walked through the length of the plane. He came near me and asked, first time? I said no Swami I have been on a plane before. 

Source: http://sathyasaiwithstudents.blogspot.in/2014/05/sri-sathya-sai-in-kodaikanal-2003-photo.html

(Representative Pic from 2003 trip)

How did you get that scar on your forehead. 'Swami, it was due to a motor accident during my childhood.' 'You only saved me Swami.' This was genuine. He had. But why am I not having faith in Him. He smiled and continued. We landed in Madurai and after being well fed, we took a chartered bus to Kodai. Swami proceeded ahead in His car. 'Seniors', were recounting different experiences on the way to Kodai. The upsurge of emotions also lead to some upsurge of bile, a typical reaction to ghat roads. We stopped in a couple of places to help relieve some of our brothers who let go of some of the delicious food had earlier. Not to worry, there was plenty more to come. The advantage of these stops was that it was an excellent photo opportunity. We clicked some nice pics carefully avoiding the vomit on the side. 

With the altitude, my mood too was raising. My student life started in Kodai in 2003. It was to culminate in Kodai in 2005. Sai Shruthi, is a magical place where anything is possible. I knew a spiritual surgery without anaesthesia was coming but I also knew, I could not have chosen a better scenery for it. With a huge surge of emotion, we entered Sai Shruti shouting, Jai Bolo Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba ji ki - "Jai".

Link to concluding Part