How I became part of "His" Story - Part IV

Continued from Part I...
Continued from Part II...
Continued from Part III...

Swami had reached ahead of us and was waiting for us fresh as ever. He ensured that all of us were inside and then lovingly informed us where the mattresses were kept and where we were to sleep. He told us all to take rest and that He will interact with us the next day. It took some time for it to actually sink in that we are in Swami's home. We are going to be staying there and Swami was already playing the role of the host to perfection. We actually were Swami's guests!

I had armed myself with "Anyatha Saranam Nasthi" (Other than You, I have no refuge) - a book a friend had suggested as a sure shot faith injector. So every day I would read the book, and look up at Swami as He came out and mentally ooze out devotion but my heart was stone cold and telling me "run, run, run". How do I know which is which. Because, I was physically feeling my heart grow heavy during this time.

The only way to describe the Kodai days would be with the crutch of the opening lines of Charles Dickens - A Tale of Two Cities. 

It was the best of times - Swami was practically interacting with me at least once an hour when he was with us.

It was the worst of times - I would react to Him superficially without any emotion from within. 

It was the age of wisdom - Swami was meticulously dissecting high philosophies and simplifying things incredibly for us. 

It was the age of foolishness - I was constantly thinking what does He want from me? Why is He trying to impress me? Funnily, the utter insignificance of me in front of His life and His mission was blinded to me. 

It was the epoch of belief - Swami was having an unreasonable belief that even this nincompoop deserved His love. 

It was the epoch of incredulity - He was also working on the ignorance of my ignorance and I was ignorant of it. 

It was the season of light, It was the season of darkness. It was the spring of hope. It was the winter of despair. Yada yada yada...You get the picture. [ :D ]

What the Divine Doctor has to deal with... (Source: http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1987/07/29)

It was one of the lunch sessions. We were eating in the same dining room as Swami. I had serving duty that day and was standing near Swami. After lunch, Swami indicated everyone to go and sit in the hall and all boys filed one after another. Owing to my position, I could not move till the last as otherwise, I would have come in the way of Swami and the boys. As I was about to leave, Swami indicated me to stay. He then said a simple sentence, surprisingly, in Hindi -  "Tuje itna diya. Tu nahi samja" (I gave you so much. You did not understand.). Some how that statement felt like a tight pinch in my heart and by His divine grace, I responded, "Swami, you should only make me understand.". Swami was very silent in the post lunch session and retired to His room soon after. 

Subsequent to Swami going upstairs, I walked towards the garden of Sai Shruti. I had read some self help book which said that the universal consciousness exists in every atom and speaking to a flower is equivalent to speaking to God. Armed with that tool, I sat in the garden and started communicating with one particular flower. Why is this happening to me? What should I do? Sai is the only God I know. Without him I will not have any support. But I dont have any faith in him now. blah blah blah blah blah. The flower almost shrivelled in absolute boredom. Suddenly, without warning, the stone cold dam in my heart broke open and all the water rushed to my eyes and poured out and the words came out, "I want to be with you Swami. I want to serve you. I want to be at your lotus feet.". 

Phew! That was the conclusion of the surgery. I told Swami that moment in my heart. What happened now is 100% real for me now. But it might seem like a joke to me after 5 minutes. So this is what I demand of you (how He tolerates our presumptuousness is yet another evidence of His divinity) , if what I experienced now is genuine, then you will not ask me when I am going home till the end of the Kodai trip.  I have already answered you. 

True to the word, He did not ask me that question, till the very last day of the trip and that too in jest. 

Now most people will ask me, did you get full faith on Swami from that date. The real answer is, it stopped mattering. Conceptually, that seemed the point of this whole exercise. He wanted me to accept Him unconditionally. Not because He is omnipotent,omniscient, omnipresent God. But to love Him because He is. That is the only reason He removed faith from my heart in the first place. He replaced it with Love and that is not as easily shaken as faith. Love is the language of God. 

And that, brothers and sisters, is how I became part of "His" Story and that is how everyone of us becomes part of "His" story. By allowing Swami to install His Love in our hearts. He is knocking on the door every minute and we will open the door, if not today, tomorrow and He will install Himself in our heart. There is no failure for Swami and His victory is the victory for all.

Jai Sai Ram!